SOONER OR LATER

Sooner or later, every married man meets Kristi. You know Kristi. She's right over there in the next cubicle. She's your neighbor.

Or your best friend's sister.God, she's just . . . great, you say to yourself. So friendly, so cute, so upbeat. You're thinking about her.

Okay, you've started to fantasize. Just a little. And you suspect she's fantasizing about you, because when you saw her yesterday, there was that . . . moment. Not to sound corny, but it was a moment of reckoning. She looked into your eyes and didn't look away.

Finally, it's started to dawn on you: You've got something she wants.And you're tempted to give it to her.All right, deep breath: You didn't embark on the journey of marriage with the idea that you'd get to take a few detours, and you certainly didn't think you'd turn into one of "those guys."

But then, most men don't. They have stumbled accidentally onto their own little Temptation Island. There they are, standing helplessly in its spell and face-to-face with what the nuns in parochial school used to call "an occasion of sin."

But what do nuns know about love? This can't be sin; it doesn't feel the least bit sinful. She's a sweet, smiling, loving person; in a way, your friendly banter reminds you of the kind of talks you used to have with your wife-before all that baggage got in the way. And you think to yourself, Why does everybody else get to have all the fun? Why can't I join the club?You can.

You da man! And I'm going to lay it all out for you, step by step. Your fling with Kristi will pass through four stages. Stage One is…

ATTRACTION

I'm guessing you work with Kristi. Most affairs begin at the office.

Work is where you are a master, where you shine, where you are plugged into all your power sources. You do what you do with skill, confidence, and humor. Women want that in a guy.

Toss into that mix a wardrobe of suits, ties, short skirts, and high heels, and it's no wonder so many romances blossom in the workplace. And lately Kristi seems to be in no hurry to go home at night.Time to bump it up a notch.It all starts so innocently.

You trade notes and silly e-mails. You both show up at the same after-work gatherings. You grab a bite for lunch. But when you start meeting for drinks, you're both hunting for something. She orders a Sex on the Beach and makes a little joke. My friend, your plane is number one for takeoff.

A hungry itch comes over you, and you will not be denied. It's time for Stage Two…

ECSTASY

You haven't felt like this since high school. Actually, you never felt like this in high school, because the girls were more interested in the jocks and the heads.

But it does feel like you're in love for the very first time. You're on cloud nine.

The drink-after-work thing has turned into bottles of Dom Perignon. Kisses have become Kama Sutra positions.

At the No-Tell Motel, the two of you engage in idle postcoital pillow talk about going somewhere beautiful together, like Paris. You can't even pronounce "croissant," but you're dreaming of Paris.The rest of your life is on autopilot. Your boss is dropping dark hints about how "distracted" you seem lately. Big deal.

You're in love. Nothing and no one can stand between you!Well, except for your wife and kids. But let's not get ahead of our story.

Is the sex better? Of course it's better. It's new. Nothing beats new sex—the exploration of her every inch, the discovery and mapping and conquest of her sweet spots. Nothing is better than the praise she lavishes.

Nothing makes you hotter than seeing her so aroused.

And this is not just new sex, my friend; this is illicit sex—which is way steamier. The added elements of secrecy and danger are time-honored ways to heighten arousal. (Every member of the Mile-High Club can tell you that.)The secrecy is so much fun that most couples having affairs ignore the obvious: Everyone knows.

EVERYONE. It's such fine sport to watch lovers deluding themselves with the belief that they're being perfectly discreet.

Meanwhile, they glow like those radioactive monsters in Japanese sci-fi flicks of the '50s. Frankly, you're starting to draw a crowd.Inevitably, that leads to Stage Three…

COMPLICATION

One Monday morning, you get the e-mail you've been dreading."We MUST talk. Lunch?"Kristi pours out a long, sad story of a hellish weekend.

She says Steve suspects. He was in a rage. It's only because of heavy makeup that you can't see how hard he had slapped her. You're thinking, That's not something makeup can cover.

She's saying she needs to get out of her marriage. You'll help her, won't you, honey?

She looked at an apartment early this morning before work, and it's great -- right near here! -- but they want 2 months' rent up front. If you could put down the two grand…You got your American Express bill on Saturday. It's for $3,614.28. You don't have $3,614.28. You don't have two grand.

And you thought love was free.You fall silent. Now she's looking at you.

She wasn't ready for this silence. You weren't ready for this moment.That's one sob story; there are a million others. They all have the same plot development: You're about to be discovered.

And the offended parties in these instances rarely take the news lying down. Usually they suffer as loudly as they can.You're pressured to break up with her. She's wondering whether to break up with you—or him. Are you ready for that? No, you're not ready for that.

You realize, a little late, that you're not ready for any of that. Soon after complication comes Stage Four…

REMORSE AND MAYHEM

This stage is summarized in a single question:

How the hell did I get myself into this?Sometimes the only thing worse than getting caught is not getting caught.

The good news is, you get away with it. And the bad news is, you get away with it. Kristi is really starting to annoy you, but you're too weak to give up the extra sex.

You turn passive, and in response she becomes persistent. You're wondering how to get rid of her. She's wondering when you're going to leave your wife for her, the way you sort of hinted you would...didn't you?She knows where you work, where you live.

She knows where your wife works. Your dilemma is clear:

To extricate yourself from this relationship, you're going to have to break the heart of the one person who can destroy you with a phone call.That's if it ever gets to that stage.

More likely, you'll be caught. In which case, one of two things will happen. You'll get divorced or stay married. If you get divorced, prepare to be broke and lonely.

If you stay married, let me ask you something: Do you think your marriage will ever be the same? And if she does stick it out with you, despite the advice of all her friends and family, is it for a good reason, like she really, really loves you? Or is it for a convenient reason, like you make a nice salary?

In any case, patching up the marriage will require major-league groveling on your part. In return, you can expect zero trust, zero slack, and quite possibly a "retaliatory affair" on her part. As for your reputation and good standing with friends, family, and community, well, there will be blood on the floor.

Lucky you if the bleeding is metaphorical. Sometimes, someone goes into a cold, jealous rage. Someone's pride can't handle the idea that his wife cheated on him.

Someone can't face the practical consequences of a wrecked marriage -- selling the house, making child-support payments, facing the nosiness or sympathy of virtual strangers.

Oops. I'm so sorry.You, too.

You were expecting a happy ending.

A HAPPY ending! You are so funny.

This story has been told a million times, in a million ways, for a million years. Never is there a happy ending. But you knew that. Didn't you?